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Dear Diary, I still can't believe it!!!Me, Laurie L, the plainest, most
boring girl at Pinole Valley High School, the
girl all the boys bark at
when I walk by, the girl whose mother wouldn't even let her go
to a New Kids On the Block
concert because "there's often a bad
element at those rock concerts, dear". I get to go on a four day
tour
with my total heart throbs, GREEN DAY!!!!
Little did I know when I entered that 'Win A Dream Date With
Green
Day' contest in Tiger Beat magazine (my lame-o brother
calls it Puberty Beat, but what does he know, he's probably a
homo
anyway) that I, out of the million Green Day fans in America
would get picked!
The day that letter arrived was
the happiest day of my life. But
before I could get too excited, I realized I had a big problem...my
parents!! I knew
they'd never let me go off with a rock band for
even one night, let alone four days!
So for once I decided not
to put up with their crap. I wasn't sure
what to do, so at school the next day I went around to all those
weirdos
and asked them what would THEY do? See, I figure
people who have blue mohawks and only come to school when
they feel
like it and make these gross magazines with naked
pictures in them must have figured out a way to handle their
parents.
So I went to this guy Eggplant (boy, I feel sorry for him, his parents
must have really hated him to name him
something like that), and
he looked at me like, "You really want to go on tour with Green
Day??" And I said,
"Oh yeah, I'd DIE to go on tour with Green
Day." He looked at me kinda funny and said "Yeah, but would
you
KILL??"
I thought he was joking, but I wasn't sure. Then I looked at his
beady little eyes piercing deep
into my soul and I KNEW he
wasn't. I thought, hmm, what the hell, you only go around once,
might as well go for it,
blah, blah, blah..
So I said, all kinda hoarse and everything, "Yeah, I guess I
would...."
And he said,
"Then the one you should talk to is Claude."
Omigod!!! Even I had heard of Claude. He's so evil that he's
practically
SATANIC!!! He dropped out of school in eighth grade
and all he ever does now is take drugs and read weird books
and
molest little girls. I was always afraid even to look at him.
But I'd gone too far to stop now. After school instead
of going
home I went to Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley where all the
scummy people hang out, and sure enough there was
Claude.
He looked all perverted and he was smoking cigarettes and all
these girls were standing around him like they
wanted to do bad
stuff to him.
But they got out of the way when they saw me coming and
Claude wasn't mean
or dirty or anything. He was actually kinda
nice.
He said, "My friend Eggplant tells me you have a problem."
I said, "Two really big ones."
"Parents huh? This ought to take care of them!"
He handed me
a brown bottle it was full of pills.
"How many of these should I take?" I asked him.
He laughed, kind of
heh-heh like. "No, you don't take them, THEY
do. Your parents."
"Oh no," I said. "my parents
wouldn't take drugs. They're Christian
Scientists."
"You look like a smart girl. I'll bet you can figure
something out."
And you know what, he was right, I did!
That night I offered to help my mother out with
dinner. Then, when
she wasn't looking I emptied all of Claude's capsules into the
mashed potatoes. Then I said I didn't
feel like eating, and went
upstairs and listened to my Green Day records five or six times.
After a while I stuck
my head out of the door.
"Yuck!" I heard my father saying. "These are the worst mashed
potatoes I ever
tasted in my life!"
"Then cook your goddam own dinner, you lazy scumbag. I'm not
your slave." I was
surprised, my mother didn't usually swear.
My dad said, "I'm not going to eat these, they taste like shit."
But my mother yelled at him "You eat those potatoes or I'll dump
them over your head and shove the dish up your
ass."
"Shhhh" He said. "Laurie will hear you!"
"She's asleep, the stupid little bitch.
I swear, I don't know how my
own daughter could be such an idiot. I bet the babies got
switched at the hospital."
"Now, now, she's just a bit slow."
"Yeah, and I wonder who she got it from. Are you going to eat
those
potatoes?" My dad always does what mom tells him. I even
heard him scraping the bowl.
After a while I heard a
clunk and a crash and then the whole
dining room table fell over. I went downstairs and they were both
flopped out
on the floor, like totally dead. It was pretty weird.
Then I realized that I'd better do something before my brother got
home because I didn't have enough pills to get rid of him, too.
Luckily we have a brand new garbage disposal, so I
took a
butcher knife and cut mom and dad into pieces and put them
down the garbage. It took a long time, and was kind
of messy,
but I kept singing all my favourite Green Day songs, and it made
the work easier.
The only trouble was,
the bones wouldn't go down the garbage
disposal, and now I was getting nervous, because I knew my
brother would be
home any minute. Then I got an idea. I
gathered up all the bones and carried them out in the back yard
and threw them
over the fence to our neighbour's pit bull. He was
so happy he didn't even bark at me.
Then my brother came home.
"Where's mom and dad?" he asked.
"Uh, they ran away. To..uh...Utah!"
"Utah! Why the hell
would they want to go there?"
"Uh, I think they decided to become Mormons or something."
He looked
at me kind of weird and went upstairs to look at his
porno pictures. I went into my room and started packing my bags.
The next morning, I was at the airport. My own private jet was
waiting for me there, and you know what, it was all
painted
GREEN, and on the side of it it said "WELCOME ABOARD LAURIE L,
GREEN DAY TOUR '90." So I went on
the plane, and I was the only
passenger! And all the stewardesses just waited on me! And we
listened to Green Day
records all the way to Arizona, where the
tour was going to start.
When I got there, there was a limo, a GREEN limo
of course,
waiting for me, an dthis guy in a top hat opened the door for me,
and when I got in the back seat THERE
THEY WERE!! All three of
them, Billie Joe, Mike and Trè!!! I was so excited I didn't even
know where to sit, I mean,
I didn't know who to sit next to first.
So I sat in between Billie Joe and Tre and they both started talking
to me,
and I didn't know which one I liked best cause they were
both so nice, but then I decided I liked Billie Joe better, because
Trè kept singing these rap songs that had a lot of bad words in
them. In fact I was surprised that they let him be
in the band,
because I didn't think Green Day ever said swear words. Well,
they did in that one song, 'Knowledge'
but that's only because it
was written by that other band, Operation Ivy, who I heard were
a bunch of punk rockers.
Then we went to a show at this place
called 'Hippycore' and there were all these people with long hair
standing around
eating vegetables and stuff. It was kind of icky.
But the worst thing was when I found out that some OTHER bands
were
going to play too. I got really mad and said, "Why can't
Green Day just play for three hours. Why do you have to
listen to
these other stupid bands?" Everyone told me to be quiet, that the
other bands were good too. But they
weren't. I mean they
weren't Green Day. They didn't even have any songs that I could
sing along too. So I kept yelling
"BOOOOOO!!!! you're terrible, we
want Green Day!!" until some punker girl told me to shut up or she
would
rearrange my face with her bottle opener. I wondered if
she was just trying to be friendly, then I decided she wasn't,
so I
went outside and waited for my heros. But when they finally
played, it was worth everything. Billie sange every
one of my
favourite songs, and then, right in the middle of 'Disappearing Boy'
he stopped and said "I'd like
to dedicate this song to our special
friend Laurie L.., who came down from Pinole to be with us here
today. She's
just so beautiful and nice, gosh, I know that if she was
my girlfriend, I'd never disappear again."
That's when
I fainted. When I woke up, the show was over and
they were packing up the equipment. I said, "Billie Joe, did you
really mean what you said onstage?" And he looked at me all
sincere, and said, "You know it babe, but our
love can never be,
because I already belong to another. Besides, you're too
innocent for the life of a rock and roll
wife. Take my advice, go
back to Pinole and finish high school, and some day you'll make
some lucky man very happy."
"But Billie, I'd do anything to be with
you. I already did! I killed my parents just so I could be with you
here
tonight!" But he just laughed and said, "Really? Killed your
parents huh? That's pretty cool!" Then we
all got into the Green
Day tour bus to drive to Los Angeles. I was pretty excited
because I never was in Hollywood
before. I had a map of movie
star's houses and everything. But we didn't see any movie stars,
just a bunch of boys
with big hairdos and women Trè said were
prostitutes. I never know when to believe him or not, because
he's kinda
mean, you know. I'm starting to think that maybe he's
my least favourite member of Green Day, because he kept
singing
that horrible Ice Cube song that goes"Bitch-killa,
Bitch-killa." Besides, when I asked him for his autograph,
he said I
had to talk to his agent, and when I asked him who his agent
was, he started to unzip his pants. So I screamed,
and Billie and
Mike told Trè to behave and he did after that, even though I said
I thought they should tie him up
or something until the next show,
but Mike said a lot of drummers were like that, their brains just get
rattled around
too much from all that pounding. Then you know
what? I saw Billie and Mike drinking out of BEER BOTTLES!! I was
shocked,
because they're not even 21, in fact they're only 18, so I
asked them what was the big idea, but Billie took me aside
and
whispered, "Listen you've got to keep this a secret, but there
really isn't beer in these bottles."
"There isn't?," I asked. "No, it's
really milk. Everybody in Green Day likes milk best of all, but the
thing is, we drink it out of beer bottles because if we don't people
will make fun of us and say we're sissies."
Then I understood, and
felt so sorry for the boys. Peer pressure is such a terrible thing. At
the show in Hollywood
I even got to stay backstage and
everything but just when the boys were getting ready there was
a knock on the dressing
room. "It must be our deli tray," everyone
said, but it wasn't it was the POLICE! Omigod! I jumped in front
of
the officers and said, "wait! don't arrest Green Day, it's not beer in
those bottles, it's really just milk!"
He looked at me and said "Is it
now? And your name wouldn't happen to be Laurie, would it,
little lady?"
And I said "That's my name don't wear it out!" "Then
you'll have to come with us." "what do you
mean?" I screamed.
"Are you crazy? Green Day are going to start playing any minute
now!" But he said,
"sorry but it can't be helped," and they took me
in the back of the police car and handcuffed me and everything,
and then I thought, oh god, I wonder if this has anything to do
with my parents?" Sure enough it did. That stupid
pit bull dragged
one of my dad's collar bones into the house and his owner found
it and called the police. So I didn't
get to see the rest of the tour
and I had to go to court and everything and now i'm in jail and I
might not get out
until the year 2019. Oh well. Everyone's pretty
nice in here and they let me listen to my Green Day tapes. But
they
all ask me, was it all worth it? Killing your parents just so you
could go on tour with Green Day? And I just smile, a
deep,
knowing smile, because I've seen and done things they'll never
experience, not if they live to be 100, and i
say, "Of course it was.
After all, everyone gets two parents, but there's only one GREEN
DAY!
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